Archive for April 13th, 2009

Devils’ Exclusive: Chavez rant, numer 12,647, On democracy and me

April 13, 2009

Jeez, given that I, Hugo Chavez, in my own opinion, has been such a “pendejo” for ten years, I now have decided to step on it and trample the opposition. I guess you all better step aside, no?

I am declaring that any criticism of judicial decisions is “subversive”, it goes against me, and I have asked the judicial system to look into how the media is trying to destabilize the country and my rule. I have also asked  the judicial system to find the “intellectual” authors of the 2002 “coup”. And I want it done fast! I know who they are, I add a name to the list every day!

And it is becoming clear to me, that I may have to lead this investigation, like I did in the Manuel Rosales case, when I found the Mayor of Maracaibo guilty even before the evidence had been evaluated. Why can’t those around me do their work as well as I do them? They could not beat Ledezma in the election, but I had no trouble beating him, I simply changed the law and will name him a boss! Simple, sweet and democratic! Why do I have to do everything?

I mean, why spend so much money on Judges, Courts, Prosecutors, when I can do all of their jobs so speedily and with the impartiality of ten years of trampling the opposition the way I have. After all, if the robolution, pardon me, revolution, is eternal, why carry out any more pretenses? Shut down Globovision, jail the reporters, send the Judges home. Let the Government’s TV station VTV give us daily its narrow view of what this revolution is about: It’s about me, Hugo Chavez, staying in power forever and not allowing anyone, friend of foe to dissent. Because after all, VTV only carries the official version about the revolution, no dissenters are allowed, interviewed or presented. I mean, if they are pro-Chavez they have to agree with everything I say, if they are not, they are oligarchs from the opposition. Ask Baduel or Ismael Garcia. Serves them right!

This is a democracy because the opposition can say most of what it wants, which is not the case for the people that support me. I will not allow that!

Because Venezuela has become the world’s most democratic country, after Cuba, North Korea and Zimbabwe. And if any of you doubt it, just look at Globovision, where the opposition can say whatever they want. That’s democracy, just look at the poor Chavistas, they can only say what they think in aporrea, and thanks God most Chavistas have no access to Internet, so they can not read aporrea’s subversive garbage.

And imagine that, El Nacional subverting my Government and the democratically elected order of the Bolivarian Nation, claiming that gringo rice is being sold by PDVSA nationwide. Lies! All lies by the oligarchs! Only the Chinese have the ability to write on a grain of rice, and we pay thousands of Chinese to write on each grain of rice so that each one says “Hecho en Venezuela”. It costs a lot (It’s cheaper to do it there, so we use Chinese rice, which is the rice of the future), but since by now every Venezuelan in the barrios has a magnifying glass or a microscope at home, they know exactly where their rice is coming from and it is not from Clinton’s home state. We will not allow anything to subvert our revolution!

And let Globovision (Por ahora!) say what they want, but we will not allow the Chavistas masses to be told anything but our truth, pre-digested, pre-packaged and pre-evacuated by me, Hugo Chavez. And while many believe I am the King of the Pendejos, it is all media manipulation. Take for example today’s report that mighty me, Hugo Chavez, has only built an average of 38,587 housing units per year, while even incompetent Lusinchi did better than that in the terrible days of the IVth. Republic.

Lies! Al Lies! Everytime a housing unit is finished, there is an opposition crew in a Globovision van ready to destroy it! Hundreds of thousands of housing units destroyed this way.  And if I can not even fight crime (I can not be in all places at once, no?), how can I stop the millions of opposition oligarchs that spend all their time destroying what we build?

And look at how we have tamed inflation. I just called the Central Bank and brought Giordani back and the guys at the Central Bank have learned how to measure things right. If Giordani has his way, we might get the CPI into negative territory by the end of the year. That’s a revolution!

And there will not be a devaluation! Over my  dead Bolivarian body! If necessary, I will stop giving out dollars at Bs.2.15, but I simply refuse to devalue. No way! We can’t do that to the people. They have suffered enough in the hands of the IVth.Republic. They shall not return!

And the only thing I agree with Obama on, is the need to print money to get us out of this hole that the world crisis has gotten us into. I have ordered the Central Bank to continue its pioneering work in printing as many Bolivars as we need without control. It has worked so well, that Obama is following my footsteps, printing a gizillion US dollars.

But I will not let Obama top me. I have ordered the Central Bank to print a Yotta of Bolivars, so that I can spend them in making the “people” happy. Remember, to me, the opposition trash are not people, just trash, so I will give them nothing. Just trample them! I order you to do so!

Enough for one democratic day. I have to go write an article about our democratic process. I have to go fire some people from my Cabinet. Every time I name a civilian, they go screw it up. I thought women were different, or at least Chavista women, but then the stupid lady I named to Science and Technology could not even go buy me a good satellite. So I had to put Jesse in that position. He really confuses people. You never know if he is civilian or military, male or…well you get the picture. If he does a good job, I will put him in charge of our atomic program. That’s why I put him there, I want him to catch up on nuclear and atomic stuff and start building us something the gringoes will get scared of. I even gave him a Physics for Idiots book for his birthday, but forgot he doesn’t read English. I guess we will take longer, but nothing will stop us.  If he cant’ do it, I will name Merentes, he is really good with numbers. Remember how he lost four billion dollars that year?

Anyway, enought for today, unless I feel like talking later, in which case I may be back, there are no soap operas or important games coming up later tonight. And stop calling me a Dictator. If you do, I may decide to kill you…just kidding…but the threat works, no? I may have to prohibit words that start with D, I hate them all…Democracy, Devaluation, Dictatorship…