Last we heard from our friend Oligarco Burguesito, he was doing well, deep in arbitrage of all sorts, even if profits were down from the heydays of bond and travel money arbitrage in Venezuela. However, things have not gone well with Oligarco since then, travel quotas were sharply reduced, bond sales eliminated, so that his life has been reduced to arbitrage of all the basic products that are controlled by the Government. But even this has been limited, because many of the street vendors he sold the stuff to have moved to doing other things, mostly contraband. Thus, Oligarco moved to Valencia, where he does a bit of everything. Lately with inflation at 70%, even this is not enough and he has lost lots of money playing the horses and even betting on baseball games, thus he jumped at the chance to work as a supervisor at the call center for denouncing the traitors to the PSUV party, the so called fascist phone line. Is his first salaried job since before Chávez was elected.
This was Oligarco’s experience the first day:
First Call: Caller #1: Hello, is this the line to denounce traitors?
OB: yes
Caller #1: I wanted to denounce the traitors to the revolution and socialism that have authorized the import of natural Christmas trees at the Sicad exchange rate. This is clearly another battle of the economic war. Someone has infiltrated the party and the Central Bank, authorizing dollars for this at a time that we don’t even have money for medicines due to the CIA conspiracy to bring oil prices down. This is clearly a boycott of our economy, to further weaken us with the promotion of something foreign to our country and a tradition that is not part of our heritage. This is a capitalistic tradition, promoted by the US, Obama and the Republicans and the other Marco, the one from Florida, as a way of undermining our own identity. I want this to be investigated and the person responsible for authorizing dollars at the Sicad rate should be jailed in Ramo Verde and sentenced to life in prison.
OB: Well, Sir, but this was actually a decision by the Board of the Venezuelan Central Bank, presided by Nelson Merentes, a loyal friend follower and supporter of Hugo Chávez and supported by the whole Board appointed by President Maduro, who allocated foreign currency specifically for this purpose.
Caller #1: Oh! Really! Never mind. (Hangs up)
—
Second Call: Caller #2: Alo! Can you her me! Can you hear me! Is this Nicolas?
OB: No, this is the PSUV line to denounce traitors.
Caller #2: I want to talk to Nicolas. I have something important to denounce
OB: Well, the President set up this line, but he has no time to answer it himself. You can tell me and I will make sure that he gets the information you will provide with total confidentiality.
Caller #2: I don’t know, this could be very dangerous to me. Because I want to denounce someone very close to this line, how do I know you will not tell the President or he will find out who I am and they will come get me.
OB: don’t worry, I assure you this is confidential and we have no caller ID, so I will never know who you are.
Caller #2: Umm, I don’t know. Well, umm, ok. I want to denounce that an extraterrestrial has infiltrated the traitor hotline
OB: What do you mean an extraterrestrial?
Caller #2: Well, many years ago I saw a movie about extraterrestrial beings that had invaded the earth and the same guy was the one that was on TV announcing and promoting the line. Clearly, this space invaders want to boycott the revolution and like Chavez said, capitalism destroyed life in Mars, now they are trying to destroy Venezuela and this guy has infiltrated us.
OB: I still dont get what you are talking about. Who do you mean?
Caller#2: I don’t know the name, but I saw him on TV and I am sure that it is the same guy i saw on the movie, but older. Do you have a cell phone? I could send you the picture of the guy in the movie and the one I saw on TV, so you can see what I mean.
OB: Ok, my cel is 0412-OLIGARCO, you can message me there.
Caller #2: Ok, here it goes, first the picture of the extra-terrestial, then the picture I took on my TV when they announced the hot line
See, it’s the same guy, just older, see the similarity?
OB: Excuse me Sir, but this is Francisco Ameliach, he is not only an important and loyal member of PSUV, but he is also Governor of Carabobo and President Maduro has trusted him with this project.
Caller #2: Oh. He is not a conehead? Are you sure? I was sure he was. “&%$* I am glad you don’t know who I am, but now you know my cell phone, I must seem really stupid. (Hangs up)
—
Third Call: Caller #3: Hello, this is Yamijuli Maria Garcia from the Comuna for toy manufacturing Isidora Dolores Ibárruri Gómez in Altagracia de Orituco. Is this where I denounce capitalist infiltration into PSUV?
OB: Yes Yamijuli, what have you detected?
Caller #3: Well, I wanted to denounce the fact that someone has regulated the price of Barbie dolls at US$ 2.5 per doll. Even at the capitalist pigs exchange rate, it is impossible for us to compete with this here in my comuna, where we make true Venezuelan dolls We make dolls that are white, brown, black, any color, just like people in Venezuela, but we can not compete with this price, our dolls cost Bs. 400, which is much more than the new regulated price for Barbies. But this is not all, the Barbie dolls are all blond, so that whomever approved this, wants to promote gringo looking women and make the average Venezuelan women look different. Not only that, but it also promotes women dying their hair which is clearly not a very revolutionary activity. Mi Comandante spoke against this, but now someone is trying to undermine the Bolivarian revolution and sell capitalistic blond Barbie dolls, destroying revolutionary values and undermining the work we are doing at the Isidora Dolores Ibárruri Gómez comuna. This should be investigated immediately!
OB: Well Yamijuli, it was President Maduro himself that ordered the price of Barbie dolls regulate, so I don’t think there is really much to investigate.
Caller #3: I disagree, we should investigate Maduro then, because he is not being faithful to the Supreme Commander and Father of the revolution. Do you know if Marea Roja has a hotline to denounce deviations from revolutionary principles? Can you give me that number?
At this point Oligarco hung up, got his jacket and left the job that he thought would be so great…He lasted 5 minutes.
The Devil's Excrement 