Oligarco Works The Fascist Phone Line

November 20, 2014


Last we heard from our friend Oligarco Burguesito, he was doing well, deep in arbitrage of all sorts, even if profits were down from the heydays of bond and travel money arbitrage in Venezuela. However, things have not gone well with Oligarco since then, travel quotas were sharply reduced, bond sales eliminated, so that his life has been reduced to arbitrage of all the basic products that are controlled by the Government. But even this has been limited, because many of the street vendors he sold the stuff to have moved to doing other things, mostly contraband. Thus, Oligarco moved to Valencia, where he does a bit of everything. Lately with inflation at 70%, even this is not enough and he has lost lots of money playing the horses and even betting on baseball games, thus he jumped at the chance to work as a supervisor at the call center for denouncing the traitors to the PSUV party, the so called fascist phone line. Is his first salaried job since before Chávez was elected.

This was Oligarco’s experience the first day:

First Call: Caller #1: Hello, is this the line to denounce traitors?

OB: yes

Caller #1: I wanted to denounce the traitors to the revolution and socialism that have authorized the import of natural Christmas trees at the Sicad  exchange rate. This is clearly another battle of the economic war. Someone has infiltrated the party and the Central Bank, authorizing dollars for this at a time that we don’t even have money for medicines due to the CIA conspiracy to bring oil prices down. This is clearly a boycott of our economy, to further weaken us with the promotion of something foreign to our country and a tradition that is not part of our heritage. This is a capitalistic tradition, promoted by the US, Obama and the Republicans and the other Marco, the one from Florida, as a way of undermining our own identity. I want this to be investigated and the person responsible for authorizing dollars at the Sicad rate should be jailed in Ramo Verde and sentenced to life in prison.

OB: Well, Sir, but this was actually a decision by the Board of the Venezuelan Central Bank, presided by Nelson Merentes, a loyal friend follower and supporter of Hugo Chávez and supported by the whole Board appointed by President Maduro, who allocated foreign currency specifically for this purpose.

Caller #1: Oh! Really! Never mind. (Hangs up)

Second Call: Caller #2: Alo! Can you her me! Can you hear me! Is this Nicolas?

OB: No, this is the PSUV line to denounce traitors.

Caller #2: I want to talk to Nicolas. I have something important to denounce

OB: Well, the President set up this line, but he has no time to answer it himself. You can tell me and I will make sure that he gets the information you will provide with total confidentiality.

Caller #2: I don’t know, this could be very dangerous to me. Because I want to denounce someone very close to this line, how do I know you will not tell the President or he will find out who I am and they will come get me.

OB: don’t worry, I assure you this is confidential and we have no caller ID, so I will never know who you are.

Caller #2: Umm, I don’t know. Well, umm, ok. I want to denounce that an extraterrestrial has infiltrated the traitor hotline

OB: What do you mean an extraterrestrial?

Caller #2: Well, many years ago I saw a movie about extraterrestrial beings that had invaded the earth and the same guy was the one that was on TV announcing and promoting the line. Clearly, this space invaders want to boycott the revolution and like Chavez said, capitalism destroyed life in Mars, now they are trying to destroy Venezuela and this guy has infiltrated us.

OB: I still dont get what you are talking about. Who do you mean?

Caller#2: I don’t know the name, but I saw him on TV and I am sure that it is the same guy i saw on the movie, but older. Do you have a cell phone? I could send you the picture of the guy in the movie and the one I saw on TV, so you can see what I mean.

OB: Ok, my cel is 0412-OLIGARCO, you can message me there.

Caller #2: Ok, here it goes, first the picture of the extra-terrestial, then the picture I took on my TV when they announced the hot line


See, it’s the same guy, just older, see the similarity?

OB: Excuse me Sir, but this is Francisco Ameliach, he is not only an important and loyal member of PSUV, but he is also Governor of Carabobo and President Maduro has trusted him with this project.

Caller #2: Oh. He is not a conehead? Are you sure? I was sure he was. “&%$* I am glad you don’t know who I am, but now you know my cell phone, I must seem really stupid. (Hangs up)

Third Call: Caller #3: Hello, this is Yamijuli Maria Garcia from the Comuna for toy manufacturing Isidora Dolores Ibárruri Gómez in Altagracia de Orituco. Is this where I denounce capitalist infiltration into PSUV?

OB: Yes Yamijuli, what have you detected?

Caller #3: Well, I wanted to denounce the fact that someone has regulated the price of Barbie dolls at US$ 2.5 per doll. Even at the capitalist pigs exchange rate, it is impossible for us to compete with this here in my comuna, where we make true Venezuelan dolls We make dolls that are white, brown, black, any color, just like people in Venezuela, but we can not compete with this price, our dolls cost Bs. 400, which is much more than the new regulated price for Barbies. But this is not all, the Barbie dolls are all blond, so that whomever approved this, wants to promote gringo looking women and make the average Venezuelan women look different. Not only that, but it also promotes women dying their hair which is clearly not a very revolutionary activity. Mi Comandante spoke against this, but now someone is trying to undermine the Bolivarian revolution and sell capitalistic blond Barbie dolls, destroying revolutionary values and undermining the work we are doing at the Isidora Dolores Ibárruri Gómez comuna. This should be investigated immediately!

OB: Well Yamijuli, it was President Maduro himself that ordered the price of Barbie dolls regulate, so I don’t think there is really much to investigate.

Caller #3: I disagree, we should investigate Maduro then, because he is not being faithful to the Supreme Commander and Father of the revolution. Do you know if Marea Roja has a hotline to denounce deviations from revolutionary principles? Can you give me that number?

At this point Oligarco hung up, got his jacket and left the job that he thought would be so great…He lasted 5 minutes.

19 Responses to “Oligarco Works The Fascist Phone Line”

  1. jau Says:

    Forward FX contracts BSF vs USD anyone?

    • Roy Says:

      Considering that the government is about unload a mountain of Bs. to pay the end of year bonos…? I’ll accept a forward contract to buy Bs. at 170 on Jan. 1.

  2. Yuzhou Lin Says:

    if i handle some chinese yuan, can i exchange them to bolivars in VZ?

    • Island Canuck Says:

      No, bring US$ in cash

    • pookeye Says:

      I’m 1000% sure you can find a chinese guy in the street that would buy your yuan, i wouldnt worry about it all.

      • pookeye Says:

        In fact, to be honest, I would even consider that a smart thing, if you are holding chinese cash, most of the locals wouldnt know what to do with it.. there are enough chinese in venezuela, that you can change it to bolivares pretty easily I would bet. you would be changing it via the black market rate, which is what you want. and if someone tried to rob you, they will probably just ignore the chinese yuan…

        • Yuzhou Lin Says:

          Sorry, i just see the word rob

          • pookeye Says:

            although, I’m not saying that you will be robbed or anything, I’m chinese too, (born in venezuela) its just that they see you as chinese, they assume you have money, which makes you a target. lucky for you, there are a lot of chinese in venezuela now, so you are no longer as big of a target as chinese used to be. As long as you are out in the day time, you generally deal with real nice people out and about.

  3. concerned Says:

    If it were anywhere else, I would think you were joking.

  4. Oli’s a player, he’ll find a new hustle.

  5. Island Canuck Says:

    Well done Miguel.
    My morning smile.

  6. Paul Esqueda Says:

    Funny story full of Venezuelan realities!

  7. Yuzhou Lin Says:

    funny story and funny picture. now let us talk about the popular cocktail in VZ. do not tell me you guys love mojito most

  8. captainccs Says:

    As a precaution I’m posting this anonymously. The other day I sabotaged the Pretty Revolution! I wanted to buy a dozen briefs (underwear) but there were only four my size on display. I asked the sales lady for more and she informed me that the Revolution only permitted the sale of two per person. I said some unkind things about the Revolution and paid for the two briefs.

    Once outside on the street I started thinking about getting the other two. I addressed a young man who looked like a student and asked him if he wanted to earn BsF50. “Doing what?” he asked. “They only sell two briefs per person. I want you to go into the store with me and buy two for me.” He readily agreed and in we went. I announced that this young fellow wanted to buy two briefs. The sales lady gave him the briefs, I paid for them and I gave the student the 50 bees he had just earned. I gave them very openly to spite the sales lady, to show how ridiculous Maduro’s revolting revolution really is.

    But I’m still short 8 briefs. 😦

    • captainccs Says:

      Yesterday I detected more subversive activities. A woman was giving the butcher at the corner grocer store a bribe for three bottles of various cleaning agents. She saw me doing the heinous act and by way of excuse she said she couldn’t live in a filthy place. If revolutionaries can, why can’t she? Clearly a case of CIA backed subversion.

    • pookeye Says:

      lol, this reminds me of my time a few years back in venezuela, there was this columbia guy, who had hired like a good dozen kids in the area, and have them buy two packs of pasta each person. (my family owns a super market, but chinese style) its was a neat thing to see because at the end its capitalism doing its magic, where socialists at the end of the day just can’t understand.. if you are going to sell something below cost, someone is going to take it and sell it at the real price, (the market price) and if the government loses money, to allow a guy who sees instant arbitrage, gain, then you essentially are wasting your money which can really be better used to help the people that you wanted to have buy these products..

  9. Miguel Octavio Says:

    0416 942 5792

  10. Anonymous Says:

    What is the number for the phone line to denounce traitors?

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