Archive for April 26th, 2008

April 26, 2008

Chávez has a dilemma: he needs a wife.

Naomi Campbell or Pilar Córdoba won’t do because he needs a Venezuelan wife.

By Venezuelan, I mean really Venezuelan, someone that was born in Venezuela, speaks Venezuelan and looks Venezuelan. She also has to be at least thirty years old and cannot have a second nationality.

It is not me who is saying this, it is the Venezuelan Constitution.

No, the Constitution does not say anything about the President’s wife, but it does say something about who can be the President of Venezuela.

That’s right:  Chávez needs a wife to propose her as the candidate for the Presidency of Venezuela in 2013. That would fix all his problems with the Constitutional Reform.

A wife as a President and him behind her, using all his power as usual, right?

Well, not quite.

The solution is not so straightforward.

The problem for Chávez is that Venezuelan wives end up being …..VENEZUELAN WIVES!

 I sure know, I’ve got one!

Before you stop reading arguing that I am a misogynist and that I shouldn’t use this blog to settle my domestic affairs, let me tell you that I think that Venezuelan women are wonderful, intelligent, competent human beings but they cannot help it: they are genetically programmed to be Venezuelan women.

When you start dating them, they answer “whatever you want, sweetheart” to any question that you may have, they are soft, gentle, understanding and sooo beautiful. They move their long hair, make you little eyes and give you a million dollar smile that takes you to flirting paradise. Then, once they get married, the genetic switch is activated and they transform themselves into “cuaimas” (see translation here)

The problem with cuaimas is that they cannot be tamed. Quite the opposite, they tame you! And if you are not happy with it, they send you to hell and leave you forever. They may or may not have a career, may or may not have kids, may or may not have money, they don’t care: cuaimas have very short tempers and a mind of their own.

So that’s Chávez dilemma: nobody knows how a Venezuelan wife will behave when put in a Presidential seat, but giving the normal behavior of any Venezuelan wife, he surely knows that’s not a very promising situation for him.

He may end up serving her  coffee in the Alo Presidenta.

So, he’d better settle for one of his brothers, or his mom.

….Although his mom also happens to be a Venezuelan wife.

Jorge Arena
Most Distinguished Returning Ghost
and PTG (Proud Tomato Grower).