The Devil's Excrement

This article appeared in El Nacional on Friday and I thought it was
cute and we need humor once in a while to survive, so I translate it. I
am sure Alek will enjoy it.

Intensive
course to hate gringos by Oscar Lucien

Yesterday
I really got blasted celebrating my graduation as a hate lancer. I graduated
from the “Gringo go home” cooperative of the “Mision knee on the ground”. We
received an intensive course to hate gringos within the strategy of asymmetric
war mandated by the commander in chief, maximum leader of the process, to
confront and liquidate the marines that “dobleve” Bush is planning to send to
destroy the pretty revolution. .

Classes
are simple, but one leaves hoarse from shouting so much. Shouting, says the
captain-instructor, is the best way to express hate, our first weapon against
the invading gringos. Even though this squalid newspaper does not give me much
space, I will summarize some of the training sessions to stimulate other fellow
countrymen that want to become hate lancers or become part of the asymmetric
Bolivarian militias and can continue training, endogenously, on their own.

1.
The
course begins with readings on the Liberators’ wisdom. The captain says that the
Liberator was so lucid that he even imagined Bush’s invasion. We fill a
notebook with the phrase “The US seems destined by providence to fill Latin America with hunger and misery in the name of freedom”
and then we stand up in front of a microphone for a few minutes, babbling the
largest amount of hate possible

2.
Endogenous
use of bubble gum. With some coupons that they give to us, we buy bags in the
cooperative filled with plenty of “Bazuka” gum at Mercal and we start
chewing to make huge balls of gum. We go out in a tour of lancers and we take
strategic positions, for example, in Valle Arriba, in the square in front of
the US Embassy, or at the exit of the Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter
Saints. We ride the bus with the previously identified gringos and when they
are going to sit down we place the ball on the seat. In this action, which is
apparently contradictory because it expresses hate, we truly have a ball.

3.
Practicing
giving Condoleezza what she deserves. Some countrymen that are regenerating themselves
in jail, make real size dolls of that negrita that Chavez sent to Mision
Robinson. In groups of two, we put lancers in a dark room and we give the doll
what she deserves until it is destroyed. Female lancers get a picture of
Condoleezza. They stare at the picture and shout a number of times: “Alert! Alert!
Bolivar’s sword is walking around Latin America”
and they spit at the picture. Later they clean up the picture and save it
because they have to use it in more than one session.

4.
Firing
practice with Bush. Since the Kalasnikov’s that the maximum leader bought from
his soul brother Putin have not arrived, we train with shotguns borrowed by our
fellow countrymen at the Yare jail. They place a picture of the invading leader
smiling, to get rid of the hate we have been accumulating. The lancers shoot
the picture, but Bush’s smile is made out of a special shielded material and we
get even more pissed. When we empty out
the ammo, although we also end up quite empty of energy, we have to shout
twenty times: “Bush! you shall not pass”

5.
Exam
with the academic committee. The academic committee of our cooperative is a
civic-military one. That is, it is composed of the captain-instructor, two
lieutenants, four sergeants and the civilian that drives the Toyota for the captain and gets the coffees.
Every day they do a multiple choice test, but both male and female lancers are
obligated to pick answer C. I don’t recall all the questions, but some of them
were like this: 1) You are swimming at a beach and a gringo next to you starts
drowning and calling for help. You have to: a) Call the lifesaver b) Help him
out with a rope c) Shout at him “Dumb gringo why do you swim so deep if you can’t
swim. Then you walk along the shore and drink a beer. 2) You are piloting a
plane (imagine Chavez’ plane) and are carrying a Frenchman from Total, a
Spaniard from Repsol and a gringo from Chevron. There is a malfunction and
there are only two parachutes to be distributed among the passengers. Following
the instructions of the endogenous Bolivarian aeronautics a) give a parachute
to the Frenchman and another to the Spaniard b) You give one to the Spaniard
and the other to the Frenchman c) You give the gringo an icon of a saint.

Another thing we are taught is that gringos are stupid.
That is easy to cheat on them and that we should not allow them to cheat us,
because lancer that allows himself to be cheated by a gringo, will never be a
good cheater himself.

Mixing endogenous tactics and strategy what is important
is to surprise them. That is why, when one lancer crosses a gringo on the
street you have to say with a smile “Ay guan tu bi yor frien” and when he
replies “Mitu” the lancer hits his right fist against his left palm and shouts
at him: “Uh, ah Chavez no se va” (Uh, ah , Chavez is not leaving)

The only little problem with the course was when they
invited gringa Eva Golinger to promote her book Chavez’ code. Many lancers were
confused about why she was there and like a bunch of crazy wolves, wanted to
give her what she deserved in the middle of the class. Obviously the
anti-gringo course had had an effect. Despite hitting them repeatedly with the
butt of the rifles they could not stop that sparkling mass of hate until the
captain showed up, raised his briefcase and said they were going to make the
payment of the one hundred dollars that was due to all. The calm was heavenly.
While they distributed the dole, he clarified that there are gringos that on
top of that, are good people.

Hate lancer of the Ezequiel Zamora class Number Ak-47

This entry was posted on April 17, 2005 at 9:13 am and is filed under Venezuela.