It is not easy being Esteban. A day in my life.

February 6, 2010

(In Spanish here)

To Laureano, because imitation is the best form of flattery

It is not easy being Esteban. A day in my life.

It’s not easy being Esteban day after day. To begin with, imagine living in the Palace, not only is the building cavernous and ugly, but it is really badly located if you want to have some fun. I used to be able to step out into the streets when I first became President and talked to my people, but by now this is simply impossible. First of all, there are always protesters camped right outside. This is not only a pain, but it really pisses me off, because they are all pro-Esteban supporters that have a problem and want me to solve them. I would love to, but my task is bigger than solving their mundane problems like water or electricity housing or crime, this is after all, a revolution. I am very busy all the time.

The second problem is that the area has been turned to the opposition because Barreto did such a lousy job. I wish I had never seen that fat man in my life, I can’t even jail him now; he lives in Paris, where he is studying to become an intellectual, or something like that. I am an intellectual! I don’t need to go to Paris, I am a Marxist and I have never read Marx.

And the third problem is something Bernal told me, which differs from what El Assami says, Bernal says that even if Miraflores was not surrounded by opposition oligarchs, I could not step out because crime has gotten really bad nearby since I became President eleven years ago.

My day is really boring. I have to spend the morning trying to listen to Giordani give me very complicated explanations of all of the problems. I typically fall sleep in the middle and when I wake up and realize that I no longer know what he is talking about I use one of my standard phrases, like “I will ask Fidel about that” or “Let’s create a fund to solve that problem” or “Couldn’t we create a Misión to address that?”.

Jorge is really smart and when I say any of those sentences, he knows it is time to leave. I used to call Fidel at this time, but lately every time I call, he is sleep. I no longer ask to talk to Raul then, he is not only boring, but wants to cut me off, instead of the nice two hours I usually talk to Fidel for about our “procesos”. I don’t like Ramiro either, he looks mean, he is scary. But he said he would fix the electricity problem using the same techniques as in Cuba: Wiping the problem off the media.

After talking to Cuba using Skype (which doesn’t work very well, but Jesse said it is safer than anything else, everyone seems to be tapping each other in Venezuela by now), it’s lunchtime. I grab something fast, like an empanada and another café negro and run for the helicopter to go to Teresa Carreño and give people degrees or property titles. That way I can go on cadena for a few hours and just piss off the oligarchs. I talk a lot because it is really boring when I am not the center of attention. The other day I had to give fake degrees to fake students with red shirts, but nobody noticed. Afterwards they told me the students did not return the diplomas and want to practice medicine. Since we have a shortage of doctors I said it was ok, after all I govern Venezuela like the military, anyone can do anything. Our success proves it!

I have an assistant that always gives me three outrageous sentences to say at the end of my speeches, I chose one of them ahead of time.  Today, I will piss off the opposition by saying that they are boycotting Twitter so that we Chavistas don’t have access to it. I love it! I bet the New York Times or Washington Post publishes it! After I said that, I tried to say something even more outrageous. With Saddam gone, Hitler dead and Gaddafi a good guy now, I could only think of Mugabe, so I said Mugabe was coming to teach the National Guard how to contain protests. That should go well, I bet El Nacional publishes it as its main headline tomorrow and they forget the dead students.

On the way back, I return by car, I do this to try to keep those bazookas guessing. The opposition says there have been no attempts on my life, but they happen daily, even if I don’t leave the Palace daily. I have stared into the face of those bazookas, over and over. They never let up, they say I am paranoid, but it’s not true, the oligarchs will not cease trying to kill me.

When I get to the Palace, I do like the Chiguire says “Prozac, Litio and siesta!”  except of course he says “muerte” and no “siesta”, just laughing at me. That guy is funny, even if I hate his father. Laureano is not funny by the way. Neither is Radio Rochela, the second best reason after Mr. G to shut down that station. Fidel has always said:’ Don’t let them make fun at you, if the “people” laugh at their President, you are no longer their President, ask Bush”. That is why Twitter is the work of the devil, too many people laughing at me. I have to stop @Soy_Esteban, @ElBoliburgues and @chiguirebipolar from doing it, even if I like the last one.

When I wake up I call Ramirez. I always scare him, but I just call him to ask what was oil production and the price that day. I keep it all in a notebook. This is something I learned from my grandmother: “When I give you one Bolivar write it down, then when one is missing you know one of your brothers took it. “ I do the same with Ramirez, I add all the money coming in and when they say there is no money, I tell them my numbers. The money always shows up.

After Rafael, I call someone at random, but lately I always call Merentes. That guy is getting too clever for his own good recently. He told me he was going to lower the swap rate, but instead of giving me a number, he became a Mathematician again and said to 65% of the official rate, as if I could figure out how much that would be. When we devalued in January I told him to stop playing games, I want the swap rate to go to Bs. 4.3. So far he is not doing well, it was way above Bs. 6 yesterday. They used to lie to me about the swap rate, but then Jesse (I miss him!) taught me how to use the Internet and I look at Dolar Paralelo or Venezuelafx (Why do they have the same price? Don’t they believe in markets?) and surprise them when I tell them the rate.

I then go to my office to “work” or so they think. I actually go on the Internet to play Scrabble. Jesse also taught me this. I can play until 3 AM. I use to play with this lady in Montreal, she turned out to be from Venezuela and against me. I blocked her. Fidel then assigned two Cubans to play with me daily, but they were very sneaky, always using words from their Diccionario Cubano that I did not have. I now play with members of PSUV, that is why we put in the registration form if they like Scrabble, I can then look for them in my Facebook page.

I then drink coffee and play Scrabble until the late hours of the night. It is not really that hard to run Venezuela: money comes in from oil, you either give it away or import stuff and give it to people. The rest is useless. Oil is the only thing that Venezuelans know how to produce at a profit (hate that word!). So, I don’t care about the rest. Aluminum, iron, agriculture, Bah! They are always asking for more money, Rafael always gives me good news because he found some more money somewhere. That is why I keep him in his post. Jorge always says let everything go broke except PDVSA. I agree.

And yes, I have to take care of the oligarchs and the opposition. But they scare easily and haven’t realized I do too. Show them a rifle, threaten them with the guards, throw some tear gas at them and they run away or step back. We kill one of them every once in a while, but they deserve it. Ramiro says I have to get tougher, I will, one day, I tell him, but I worry that so many kids of the generals and lieutenants are part of the protests. I don’t want one of them killed, their fathers could get mad at me. They clearly were badly educated by their parents. They were ten when I came to power, they should all idolize me, be Bolivarianos and Rojos-Rojitos, instead they paint their hands with white paint and protest. Where did their families go wrong?

Yes, it is not easy being Esteban, but I like it and I plan to be here forever.

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24 Responses to “It is not easy being Esteban. A day in my life.”


  1. In Marxist theory, it is the intermediary state between Capitalism and Communism. I have alot of kin in Europe existing under Socialist authorities now and some of whom were below Communism previously. I work for a European company and work with individuals everyday who have lived under said organizations for their entire lives. I know darn well what it is, and I have no desire to be under that kind of government. I would sooner battle you in the streets then to endure as they do.

  2. Antonio Says:

    The problem is that Venezuela is already destroyed. It not longer functions like a sovereign country. It is a failed country.

    The other problem is 90% of the chavista people do not even notice. The other 10% are the “nomenclatura” of the regimen, getting richer, living at expenses of the rest of the “ex-pais”, like successful capitalistic, but living with money and properties that should belong to us all.

  3. Kepler Says:

    Just ban that bloody Arturo. He is a waste of time.
    Are you afraid he will later go somewhere and declare the oppostion does not preach what it says?
    He should do it. It does not matter.

    Your time is more precious than anything that wally may pretend to do.

  4. Juan Says:

    No hay nada mas peligroso que un ignorante con iniciativa…

    Chavez should be arrested and thrown in a cage forever for giving the control of the country to the Cuban ’empire’, for mismanaging all aspects of the economy, for ridiculing Venezuela in front of the world, for the crime wave that has been sweeping the country due to his crazy policies, for arming militias loyal to who knows who, for allying our country to the worse governments of the planet while rejecting the good ones, and on and on and on.

    Chavez is a bloody embarrassment and he should be, at least, thrown into a cage forever.

  5. Arturo Says:

    So based on the argument that Venezuela will decay until 2012, it’s better politically for Chávez to stay in power until presidential elections. So, all this talk that Chávez should resign is false since yu need him to stay in power to destroy the country.

    NO, WE WANT HIM TO COMPLETE THE JOB HE IS DOING SO WELL AND YOU SUPPORT ENTHUSIASTICALLY ARTURO

    My God, what a brilliant argument and how intelligent the Venezuelan opposition is. It goes to prove beyong any shadow of a doubt that you cannot live without Esteban.

  6. bruni Says:

    Arturo, what is suspicious is that Chávez wants that revocatorio so much that he does not loses one opportunity to propose it.

    Why then he does not collect the signatures HIMSELF? He just has to go on TV and ask every member of the PSUV to sign up. He’ll have a revocatorio in no time…

    This is really “poudre aux yeux”. Chavez knows that he won for a large margin in 2006, so in order to revoke him, there should be more YES votes than what he won (BTW, according to the Constitution, if one reads strictly what it says about the revocatory, Chavez should have been revoked already because even though he won the Referendum, he got many more YES than the votes he got to be elected in 2000). So Chávez and the opposition both know that this is leading nowhere.

    The other thing is, WHO CAN TRUST A GOVERMENT THAT BLACKLISTS ITS CITIZENS?

    This had NEVER happened in Venezuela before, and now everybody knows that signing for a revocatory petition can take you to a jobless future, forever.

    No thanks, Arturo.

  7. Antonio Says:

    Arturo, probably Octavio does not need help to debate with you, but,

    Chavez wants opposition intend revocatorio because needs a new revision of Tascon’s List. To Exert Discrimination, Coercion and coactions, and make miserable the live the people (and their families) who dare to sign of.

    I and my family were discriminated in our jobs, also when we attend to basic public services and in application PDVSA health care plans. My mother was “killed” by the CNE to help to probe Chavez’s followers file supposed frauds. And my mother is alive.

    So opposition has to be very “pendejo” to easy de job of Chavez to identify his futures enemies to “kill”, (by name and identification number).

    Antonio

  8. island canuck Says:

    After what he did last time with the list of signatures only someone with no knowledge of Venezuela in the last 11 years would even suggest that we try another revocatorio.

    You are just another “foca” with a twisted view of reality.

    I shouldn’t be feeding the troll.

  9. Arturo Says:

    It is every Venezuelan’s duty to prvent the country from being destropyed and cubanized. Now bearing in mind that Chávez is struggling in the polls (at least according to Oscar Schemel) maybe Octavio would do us all a favor and explain why no opposition group is trying to organize a revocatorio against the tirano macacao to use Noticias24 language.

    C´mon. Octavio, if you can write crap about Esteban plagiarizing Laureano Marquez’s tricks then surely you can explain to us all why the revocatorio is the best route to save the country by voting Chávez out of power.

  10. Arturo Says:

    “and I plan to be here forever” – you can safely bet on Chávez being President until 2019 unless he dies in an accident or of an incurable disease.

    Keep on writing Twisted Sister!!.

  11. island canuck Says:

    Floyd:

    Just go to Google translate at http://www.google.com/language_tools?q=venezuela&hl=en&lr=&newwindow=1&c2coff=1 and put in the link to the page

  12. moctavio Says:

    Fred I dont think so, the link for the post in Spanish is on the top

  13. An Interested Observer Says:

    Wow, that’s funny – but in a painful way, as there’s more than just a grain of truth to pretty much everything in that column! Except for this: “I talk a lot because it is really boring when I am not the center of attention.”

    That one is 100% true, and explains just about everything else.

  14. Floyd Looney Says:

    Noticias 24 has no english reposting anywhere?

  15. Juan Says:

    CHAVEZ JUST DECLARED WAR ON ALL VENEZUELANS WHO HAVE MORE THAN UN DEDO DE FRENTE (BASIC INTELLIGENCE).

    READ IT HERE:
    http://www.noticias24.com/actualidad/noticia/142814/cada-quien-que-escoja-el-bando-no-hay-reconciliacion-posible-con-la-burguesia/

    THE GLOVES ARE COMING OFF AND WE ARE FIGHTING FOR OUR LIVES IN VENEZUELA. LETS HOPE THAT THE MILITARY IS A REFLECTION OF THE COUNTRY AND WE HAVE A MAJORITY OF THE ARMED FORCES CAPABLE OF STOPPING THE MADNESS.

    IF NOT, GET READY FOR MASSIVE REPRESSION AND A MASSIVE EXODUS.

  16. Juancho Says:

    “The other day I had to give fake degrees to fake students with red shirts, but nobody noticed. Afterwards they told me the students did not return the diplomas and want to practice medicine. Since we have a shortage of doctors I said it was ok, after all I govern Venezuela like the military, anyone can do anything.”

    That shite is funny. But the fact is, Chavez has set up his own universities to train a brand new specie of “socialist” doctors, not those vain capitalist ricos who actually want to get paid for going to college and working for free in state hospitals for like eight years.

    The new soci;alist doctors aren’t required to do the regular course work every other doctor is required to do world wide. Only half of it. So once more Chavez is trying to go half-assed with a profession – medicine, or all things.

    Anyone need spinal surgury? Hugo has a “Doctor” for you . . .

    Not!

    Juancho

  17. bruni Says:

    Gringo, Esteban WAS NOT playing Scrabble with me.
    Miguel is just getting even for my using his character in some
    of my short stories (guess which ones..)

    In fact NOBODY is playing Scrabble with me. I mounted the IGoogle app to exchange one word a day with my friends and they all found some excuse not to play Scrabble.

    BTW, here’s my latest post. Unfortunately, not a funny short story.
    http://cuentosintrascendentes.blogspot.com/2010/01/pais-sin-luces.html

  18. Gringo Says:

    Was Esteban playing scrabble with Bruni from Montreal?

  19. firepigette Says:

    Good one Miguel.

    In Chavez’s case “Karma” operates quite automatically.While attempting to imprison and repress others, he himself lives in a prison and the resulting repression of his own ability to enjoy life.

    “Not in the sky, nor in mid-ocean, or entering a mountain cave is found that place on earth where one may escape from (the consequences of) an evil deed”

  20. HalfEmpty Says:

    (Why do they have the same price? Don’t they believe in markets?)

    Ha! i c wut u did thar!

    +1 internet to you. Do not abuse it.

  21. NicaCat Says:

    Excellent! I tweeted it a little while ago. #FreeVenezuela

  22. Steven Says:

    I laughed out loud, and now I have to explain why. Thanks.

  23. Luis Estanislao Says:

    Excelente!, realmente imagino que parte de su dia es exactamente así!!!. Al final del dia podriamos hasta decir que el tipo tiene buenas intenciones, pero pobrecito, es bruto!!!. Qué vaina que su ignorancia haya tenido y siga teniendo tan terribles consecuencias. #FreeVenezuela.


  24. […] Read the original: It is not east being Esteban. A day in my life. « The Devil's … […]


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